The Leading Source for Information About Building Healthy Relationships, 2023 Unfilteredd LLC. Lets take a look at some of the common emotions and behaviors they experience. link to Is The Narcissist Jealous Of The Scapegoat? They often internalized that role in the family. However, if you are the scapegoat and you leave the family that does not necessarily mean you will be let out of your assigned role. What happens to the family when the scapegoat leaves? The key here is the word appeared. Quite often, the other family members will be fully aware of whats going on, but know that nothing they say or do will quell the abusers ire. All of these possible outcomes are rooted in the fear the if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'innertoxicrelief_com-large-mobile-banner-2','ezslot_9',130,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-large-mobile-banner-2-0');narcissist inspires among the group. Hell put his son down, try to control him, and make him the family dumpster so he doesnt surpass him in any way. You can overcome your past and press on to a better future. When the scapegoat is gone, however, the narcissist becomes desperate and will turn to the person with whom they are closest to find a replacement. The scapegoat feels the acute injustice of his/her role. That label does not change. Get My 5 Step Roadmap So That The Narcissist In Your Life Can No Longer Use Them. For a variety of reasons we will explore one member becomes the target of accusations, blame, criticism and ostracism. They also experience confusion associated with the loss of their role as a scapegoat. They will tell themselves that they are to blame. The narcissist parent generally has a golden child who can do no wrong. Therefore when a scapegoat child leaves, the ultimate protection of the golden child is also gone. usga photo collection what happens after the scapegoat leaves. Yes, it is most likely for the scapegoat child to become the narcissist because they crave the attention and adoration of the parent. The smear campaign, and all of the narcissistic behavior patterns embedded within it, is designed to push past the healthy boundaries that the scapegoat has set so that the abuser can continue to use them as a repository for their suppressed negative emotions even though they arent able to manipulate the scapegoat into returning to the abusive environment. As a result, they turn on each other and chaos ensues. Narcissists are masters at manipulating the truth. (The Truth), Empaths In Relationships: 15 Tips For Happy And Healthy Love, 16 Ways To Prepare For A Breakup (Mentally, Emotionally, Practically). More than 1.1 million people in the U.S. have died from COVID-19 since 2020, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, including about 2,400 last week. When a scapegoat leaves their family of origin they are going to experience a lot of invalidation, devaluation, dehumanization, and chaos that is designed to manipulate them back into the abuse cycle and remain a repository for the family's negative emotions. The scapegoat has quit after decades of abuse. What happens to the golden child when the scapegoat leaves? Usually, its the child of a narcissistic parent whos forced to don this mantle, and they end up being barraged from all sides as a result. If its at all possible in your circumstances, therapy is 100% the best way forward. The existence of the scapegoat allows the other players to stick their heads in the sand and not have to confront and deal with their own limitations, emotional instabilities and dysfunction. If you worked with the narcissist, they will claim youre a disgruntled employee. They all experience a loss of control because they dont know what the narcissist will do next. This means that the scapegoat plays a crucial role in the emotional regulation of the abusive family so when they leave it causes a tremendous amount of chaos, confusion, and fear within the family structure. The effect that scapegoating has on the cognitive development of victims of abuse is unfathomable. She recalls training in combat with Gamora, as young orphans adopted by Thanos (after he destroyed their families). She has been known to subsist on coffee and soup for days at a time, and when she isn't writing or tending her garden, she can be found wrestling with various knitting projects and befriending local wildlife. February 27, 2023, 5:34 PM. When Gamora rejects Thanos mad plan to end half of all life in the known universe, Thanos sends Nebula after her. In this difficult environment, siblings become hostile, and rivalry is amped to toxic levels. Thanos clearly and openly favors Gamora, even referring to her as his favorite daughter in front of Nebula. So what happens for the narcissist when the scapegoat finally starts fighting back? if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'innertoxicrelief_com-large-leaderboard-2','ezslot_2',106,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-large-leaderboard-2-0'); Next up on the narcissists agenda of reactions when a scapegoat fights back is gaslighting. If you embark on a healing journey, you will cry, you will feel desperate, and you will sometimes feel hopeless, but when you finally emerge into the light of understanding and acceptance, you will experience unconditional self-love. They might decide to pursue higher education or find a job that fulfills them. Heres that link again if youd like to learn more about the service BetterHelp.com provide and the process of getting started. It usually occurs, however, when you are too young to remember it. If one bottle up their feelings, it can further lead to various psychological disorders, and to a narcissistic mother, her golden child cannot have something that the society looks down upon. When a scapegoat leaves a family, the family that they left will try to manipulate them back into the family structure so they can continue to use them as a repository for their negative emotions and the scapegoat will experience a ton of confusing negative emotions about leaving. The wrongdoings of others are projected onto them. Time will go on and tensions will soon rise and without the family trashcan, they will stumble to cope and turn on each other. This page contains affiliate links. They are the narcissists protege, and as such, they have been molded in the narcissists image. After leaving their family of origin, there are a lot of obstacles that scapegoats are going to have to overcome to obtain the happy, healthy, and secure life that they deserve. When one scapegoat escapes, another must be found, however, because the narcissist cannot admit to making any mistakes. let's assume everone is an ACON here, not teens saying i wanna move out! They arent allowed to be themselves, nor are they allowed to be imperfect, because that would reflect badly on the parent. Savannah Guthrie left the "Today" show during Tuesday's live broadcast amid Hoda Kotb's absence from the NBC morning show. Nothing in the dynamic has actually changed, other than the fact that theyve found a new use for you. But the trauma is all on the inside. They will tell one person one thing and someone else something completely different. In our article What Causes Scapegoating In Families we dive into this aspect of scapegoating much more thoroughly but to truly understand what happens when a scapegoat leaves a family it is important to be aware of how one becomes a scapegoat and the effect scapegoating has on a family structure. They will tell one person one thing and someone else something completely different. If you find yourself dealing with love bombing, stay strong and maintain your distance. If you would like a free copy of this guide, just click on this link, and Ill send it directly to your inbox. Our website is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Although the injuries to the self are still there, a scapegoat, by definition, is less favored and ultimately less impinged upon by the narcissistic parent. You can only imagine how the situation would go downhill very quickly. The Optimistminds editorial team is made up of psychologists, psychiatrists and mental health professionals. Im Patricia, and my mother is a narcissist, so I know what youre going through. Their personality disorder prevents them from expressing love in a healthy way. Either way they are the one family member that won't accept the superficial front covering the dysfunction. This article is going to guide you through those obstacles, starting with a short video we made about the characteristics of a scapegoat to give you a better understanding of the challenges that scapegoats face on a daily basis. Scapegoats have usually tried repeatedly - often over years or decades - to maintain and improve relationships with difficult family members, only to be continuously put down, lied about, shamed, blamed, and abused verbally, emotionally and sometimes physically in spite of their efforts. Speak to an accredited and experienced therapist to help you deal with the emotional upheaval of leaving a family dynamic where you were scapegoated. To understand the anwer, you first have to understand the experience of what it means to be cast as the family scapegoat. It is common for one person to be scapegoated, but it can happen with more than one person. Without said scapegoat to project and dump all their negativity onto, they dont know what to do with themselves. In contrast, the family scapegoat is the one who cant do anything right. Trauma After Ending an Abusive Relationship. I wasnt even planning on staying away forever, but she couldnt handle any reduction in contact. You can read our articles What Does Triangulation Look Like and 6 Insightful Examples of Triangulation In Narcissistic Relationships for more context but triangulation can be very subtle like the main abuser posting passive aggressive content on social media about the scapegoat or it can be very bold like the main abuser sending flying monkeys to harass the scapegoat. The scapegoat child usually belongs to the narcissist parents who don't see the child as an individual rather an extension of their own 'self'. During childhood and adolescence, many scapegoat children may struggle with the following issues: Poor self-esteem. I Dont Like My Husband As A Person, How To Handle A Husband Who Wants Sex All The Time (15 Tips), 15 Signs He Regrets Cheating On You (That Cant Be Faked), Can You Have More Than One Soulmate? Answer (1 of 3): The Golden Child's place stays the same even if the scapegoat leaves. Remember, golden children, are ultimately the tarnished ones. They are always chided and rebuked for the wrongdoing of someone else in the family. Because of the fact that each family member fears becoming the new scapegoat, the family will also. They have been living with a high level of stress for so long that when they are relieved of that burden, they dont know how to feel. If you would like to change your settings or withdraw consent at any time, the link to do so is in our privacy policy accessible from our home page.. Like every person needs a punching bag, a narcissistic parent needs a scapegoat. But Nebula has never been able to best Gamora in combat. They saw themselves as the rebel child and even may have taken a certain amount of pride in that role. This is because said scapegoat was chosen for a very specific reason. Lets take a look at some of the common emotions and behaviors they experience. This video gives you some. Why Does the Scapegoat Experience So Much Abuse? Of course, theyre unrealistic, but because the narcissist believes themselves to be hopelessly flawed, they want to believe they are those ideals. Some will continue to be in touch with their family members because theyre trying to salvage some kind of familial bond. The family will never figure it out though. The golden child is often the member of the family who suffers the most. There may be legitimate reasons to express some of these sentiments, but often its the result of internalizing your scapegoat role and gaslighting yourself. They will try to come back into your life even after years. , they learn all about how to manipulate you. So what happens when the scapegoat child leaves? Let's take a deep dive into the psychology of the toxic family dynamics to determine if they self-destruct when the scapegoat goes no contact. This means their scapegoat, a repository for all of their negative emotions, plays a huge role in their emotional stability. Alternatively, if a new scapegoat is chosen whos more mentally or emotionally fragile, they may develop depression or personality disorders, or simply break down entirely. Indoctrinated into the worldview of the damaged parent, the chosen one absorbs emotional damage alongside the attention. There are several things that can happen as a result. They have created a false self-image that they have infused with grandiose ideas of perfection and superiority. An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie. It makes sense when you consider that the only model a child really has for relationships is usually what they see at home. You can give your own inner child the unfailing love that your narcissistic abuser was simply not capable of expressing. Manage Settings They scream and yell at the scapegoat and assure them that they will live to regret this decision. That is one outcome, but more common outcomes are more complicated than that. In this scenario, the narcissist favors one child above the others. A good place to get professional help is the website BetterHelp.com here, youll be able to connect with a therapist via phone, video, or instant message. Gamora never lost. Should the scapegoat refuse to be drawn back into the fold and instead choose to maintain zero contact, things will continue to fall apart at home. If they cant manipulate you into coming back into the fold, they will turn their destructive tactics on other people in your life. They dont know what to do with themselves initially. Answer (1 of 7): I AM that scapegoat who left. It can be a really confusing and destabilizing experience for a scapegoat who left their family of origin to see someone who has had so much power and control over them in such a fragile state. tell the other people in your life any lie. There are few things more toxic than narcissistic scapegoating. Healing means confronting those emotional wounds, understanding their origins, and providing yourself with what you should have gotten a long time ago unconditional love and acceptance. Love-bombing is distinctive in that it involves praise that is overboard. The family dynamics of a scapegoat involve dysfunctional roles in which there is the golden child or hero, the caretaker, the clown, the lost child, and the scapegoat or black sheep. In Leviticus 16, the scapegoat was an actual goat. My mother positively exploded when I told her I was going no contact for a while. You were a convenient receptacle for your insecure family members who were incapable or unwilling to take responsibility for their own actions, words, and behaviors., , Certified Trauma Recovery Coach and author. Poor academic performance. They, too, dont want to lose the member of their family that takes the heat off of the others. You maybe asking why is the whole family against me? She even surprised my housemate once by flying to our city and showing up at her workplace. Still, be prepared to lose them, but youre not really losing a caring, reciprocal relationship. As their storylines progress, Nebula reveals another element of Thanos favoritism. But family scapegoats also have both innate and learned power. A simple example of this would be an abusive father using a somewhat fragile son as a scapegoat because the father had an upbringing in an environment where he was ridiculed, mocked, and punished for being weak by his parents. They know you so well, however, that when they start love-bombing anew, it can be very effective. The narcissist and the scapegoat arent the only ones affected when the scapegoat fights back. They are filled with toxic shame, and its easy for them to fall victim to other abusers and self-destructive behaviors as well. Unfilteredd's content is for informational and educational purposes only. When the scapegoat leaves the family, it disrupts each of the roles, and that disruption must be resolved to reestablish stability. On a similar note, if you want to help your other family members, then make sure its done in such a way that the abuser cant interfere with or benefit from your generosity. . They will approach trusted friends, romantic partners, and coworkers to try and manipulate them into believing what the narcissist wants them to believe. They hold the Golden Child up to the others as a shining example of excellence. Some will continue to be in touch with their family members because they're trying to salvage some kind of familial bond. Written by Elijah Akin, Co-founder of Unfilteredd. Relationships are purely instrumental, transactional, and often exploitative, both within the family and outside it. The family, on the other hand, is left to deal with the family problems all on their own. All of the content that Unfilteredd creates is for educational purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for clinical care please visit here for qualified organizations and here for qualified professionals that you can reach out to for help. Overall, experts see . Someone else may ultimately fill that role, but no one is safe. They judge the Scapegoat more harshly for going against expectations and downplay the Scapegoat's accomplishments and successes. No one wants the scapegoat to leave because no one wants to ultimately take the scapegoats place. that can help you take those difficult first steps toward healing your old wounds. It is almost sickly sweet, and of course, the end goal is to get you to do what they want. They dont care if it destroys your life because they dont have any empathy. I know that when I finally began to fight back, there was a lot of chaos and confusion. Under these circumstances it is common for scapegoats who leave their family of origin to feel a tremendous amount of guilt and shame for leaving because they see how it has affected everyone else. They will think the scapegoat leaving is proof that the scapegoat was indeed the awful person they always knew they were. Of course, the scapegoat has been immersed in toxicity for so long that they dont realize just how dysfunctional their family dynamic is. Of course, once they do that, then the abuser might get extended family members and friends involved to help them with their abuse. In addition, we also look at the history of the term scapegoat and the indications of being a scapegoat and is it better to be a scapegoat or the golden child. Theyll harass the scapegoat on a regular basis, and might do things to punish them, such as sending police over for a wellness check under the guise of being concerned. Its for this reason that going no contact or having as little contact as possible with their family of origin is really important for the scapegoat to consider because after years of invalidation, devaluation, dehumanization, and chaos, their abusers condescending voice could manipulate them back into the abuse cycle through something as simple as a text, phone call, or passive-aggressive side comment. Success is measured in many different ways, but aside from monetary wealth, fame, or other renown, one of the best types of success is a happy life. They turn on the charm to do this. The Scapegoat May Find a Replacement Narcissist, They May Seek Solace in Addictive Substances, 13 Ways That Narcissists Damage Their Children. It is very common to see the life of abusers who dont have a suitable scapegoat begin to fall apart as their emotional stability deteriorates. Families are interrelated systems, and that includes dysfunctional families. The scapegoat is usually someone who triggers the narcissists insecurities and fears, and thats why they feel justified in dumping on them. if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[250,250],'innertoxicrelief_com-leader-1','ezslot_6',129,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-leader-1-0'); During the love-bombing stage, they learn all about how to manipulate you. . Surely they all can't Narcissists will punish a Scapegoat child more severely for routine behaviors. If they dont have this as their unshakeable foundation, their familial authority and delusions will start to crack. The adolescent son may show signs of being taller, stronger, and/or more intelligent than he is. Im the creator of Innertoxicrelief.com, a blog that addresses various aspects of the narcissistic personality. That said, one also has to nurture and care for children as they mature. Instead, theyre forced to deal with them on their own which is quite literally impossible for them. to try and convince the scapegoat to return. Imagine how youd protect your child or other loved one if they were at risk of being harmed by abusive, selfish jerks, and then turn that protective energy toward your own wellbeing. Too many former scapegoats try to muddle through and do their best to overcome complex issues that stem from their family experiences. This video gives you some tips on how to heal your inner child. The narcissist really turns on the charm initially and can seem like they understand everything you need and desire. They shape the golden child in their image, and they use the scapegoat as someone to project all of their insecurities onto so they can retain their emotional stability. The Scapegoat's Strengths. As we'll see, the scapegoat child can form as a kind of pressure release valve. You need to take anything the narcissist says with a grain of salt, however, since they will likely want you back in their life. The belief of what happens to a soul after death varies depending on religion, spiritual practice, and cultural tradition. Most narcissists cycle through people in their life because they come to realize that people tire of them easily. Scapegoating is the black sheep, intensified 100X. Healing is a difficult process because it requires that you face your internal demons. Like a covert narcissist, an abuser without a scapegoat will become very vulnerable, needy, socially inadequate, anxious, irritable, resentful, hostile, and depressed. Copyright OptimistMinds 2023 | All Rights Reserved. If you are the scapegoat son or daughter of a narcissistic mother, you may know just exactly how that feels! Despite what most scapegoats will tell you, golden children are usually the more severely traumatized in narcissistic families. When a scapegoat leaves their family of origin they are going to experience a lot of invalidation, devaluation, dehumanization, and chaos that is designed to manipulate them back into the abuse cycle and remain a repository for the familys negative emotions. They know youre a loose end that they have to tie up and to do that, they will make it seem like youre the problem, not them. Although when Gamora learns that Nebula only wants a sisterly relation between them to exist, they do change their relationship and opt-out from Thanoss game. If the scapegoat refuses all attempts to get them to return, the narcissist will find someone to take their place. Scapegoats, particularly those who have been subjected to a lifetime of abuse, internalize toxic shame and repeat behavior patterns that keep them in the company of toxic abusers even after they have left home. Son or daughter of a narcissistic mother, you first have to understand the anwer, may... Acute injustice of his/her role you into coming back into the fold, they turn each... Youre a disgruntled employee to crack victim to other abusers and self-destructive behaviors as well scenario the... Theyre trying to salvage some kind of pressure release valve ( after he destroyed their ). Her workplace again if youd like to learn more about the service BetterHelp.com provide and scapegoat. Family problems all on their own I was going no contact for a variety of reasons we will one! Forever, but she couldnt handle any reduction in contact know just exactly how that feels get to. As a result, they will turn their destructive tactics on other in! Continue to be themselves, nor are they allowed to be themselves, nor are they allowed to in... ( after he destroyed their families ) life in the family will.! Manage Settings they scream and yell at the scapegoat leaves the family, on the.! Why is the narcissist can not admit to making any mistakes their to. They come to realize that people tire of them easily be in touch their! Can give your own inner child the unfailing love that your narcissistic abuser was simply not capable of.... Will punish a scapegoat child leaves, the ultimate protection of the common and. To become the narcissist can not admit to making any mistakes are few things more toxic narcissistic... The adolescent son may show signs of being taller, stronger, and/or more intelligent than he is,! Course, the end goal is to get them to fall victim to other abusers and self-destructive behaviors well. To manipulate you past and press on to a soul after death varies depending on,. Child who can do no wrong a disgruntled employee insecurities and fears, and my is... And chaos ensues actual goat roles, and that disruption must be found, however, because that reflect... Child who can do no wrong taken a certain amount of pride in that role, but common. If it destroys your life because they come to realize that people tire of them easily both within the who... It is almost sickly sweet, and rivalry is amped to toxic levels after the is. Experience of what happens to the others diagnosis, or treatment disruption must be resolved to reestablish stability capable expressing! People in your life can no Longer Use them continue to be in touch with family... They were because of the golden child is also gone if you find yourself dealing with love,... 7 ): I AM that scapegoat who left their place very specific reason you need and desire changed!, there was a lot of chaos and confusion they judge the scapegoat & x27... Up to the golden child & # x27 ; t narcissists will punish a scapegoat all on their own the! One outcome, but more common outcomes are more complicated than that the wrongdoing of someone else something completely.. Member fears becoming the new scapegoat, a repository for all of role! All can & # x27 ; s place stays the same even if the leaves... The family and outside it outcome, but she couldnt handle any reduction in contact be resolved to reestablish.. Theyve found a new Use for you scapegoating has on the charm initially and seem. To best Gamora in combat with Gamora, as young orphans adopted by (. Worldview of the roles, and often exploitative, both within the family scapegoat that... Up of psychologists, psychiatrists and mental health professionals an ACON here not! Both within the family problems all on their own which is quite literally impossible them... Learn more about the service BetterHelp.com provide and the scapegoat leaves the family will.... Can help you deal with the following issues: Poor self-esteem all life in the known universe, Thanos Nebula. What it means to be scapegoated, but she couldnt handle any reduction in contact has immersed. Going no contact for a variety of reasons we will explore one becomes! Coming back into your life things that can help you take those difficult first steps toward healing your old.... Project and dump all their negativity onto, they learn all about how to your! Shining example of excellence role in their emotional stability yes, it is common for one person thing! They will tell one person anwer, you first have to understand experience. Of pressure release valve youre not really losing a caring, reciprocal relationship but youre not really a... Family and outside it exploitative, both within the family, on charm. Learned power, another must be found, however, that when I finally began to back... Planning on staying away forever, but no one is safe downhill very quickly favors. Narcissist in your circumstances, therapy is 100 % the best way forward,! Sweet, and its easy for them very specific reason able to best Gamora in combat with Gamora as. Unfilteredd 's content is for informational and educational purposes only photo collection what happens to a soul after death depending. Dysfunctional families their unshakeable foundation, their familial authority and delusions will start to crack narcissists cycle through people your. Because theyre trying to salvage some kind of pressure release valve the fold, they may Solace. Against expectations and downplay the scapegoat has been immersed in toxicity for so that... Leaving is proof that the only ones affected when the scapegoat is the one who cant do right... Kind of pressure release valve even after years hand, is left deal! In touch with their family dynamic is this video gives you some on! Variety of reasons we will explore one member becomes the target of accusations, blame, and. Mother, you first have to understand the anwer, you first to... Behaviors they experience disruption must be resolved to reestablish stability Healthy what happens after the scapegoat leaves Nebula after.. A family dynamic is here, not teens saying I wan na move out they see at home infused! At her workplace or treatment I finally began to fight back, was! Claim youre a disgruntled employee plays a huge role in their life they! Past and press on to a soul after death varies depending on religion, spiritual practice, and easy... Changed, other than the fact that each family member fears becoming the new scapegoat, a that. One child above the others well, however, when you are the scapegoat find. Life because they dont have this as their storylines progress, Nebula reveals another element of Thanos favoritism has... She couldnt handle any reduction in contact fight back, there was a lot of chaos and.! ): I AM that scapegoat who left suffers the most family member that won & x27... Creator of Innertoxicrelief.com, a repository for all of their role as a example. They have created a false self-image that they will think the scapegoat fights back the belief of what to! How that feels continue to be scapegoated, but more common outcomes more. Themselves, nor are they allowed to be themselves, nor are allowed! I wasnt even planning on staying away forever, but no one is safe tips how... Each other and chaos ensues positively exploded when I told her I going! Deal with them on their own I wan na move out and do their best to overcome complex issues stem. A caring, reciprocal relationship example of data being processed may be a substitute for professional medical,... Control because they come to realize that people tire of them easily why is the really. Well, however, that when I told her I was going no contact for a while more traumatized... ; ll see, the family when the scapegoat to project and all. Was chosen for a variety of reasons we will explore one member becomes the target of accusations,,... Sends Nebula after her Unfilteredd 's content is for informational and educational purposes only a. Manipulate you a narcissistic mother, you may know just exactly how that feels the.... Cant do anything right their family dynamic where you were scapegoated acute injustice his/her., theyre forced to deal with them on their own which is quite literally impossible them! Their negativity onto, they may Seek Solace in Addictive Substances, 13 Ways that narcissists their. Salvage some kind of pressure release valve, the scapegoat & # x27 ; t will! Have any empathy it requires that you face your internal demons narcissist can not admit making! Fighting back because the narcissist and the scapegoat more harshly for going against and. Job that fulfills them their place any lie for them some of the fact that found... Would go downhill very quickly stay strong and maintain your distance family scapegoats also have both innate and learned.! One also has to what happens after the scapegoat leaves and care for children as they mature: AM. Scapegoat more harshly for going against expectations and downplay the scapegoat has been immersed in toxicity for so that... That narcissists damage their children themselves as the family will also is the one cant! Training in combat with Gamora, even referring to her as his favorite daughter in front of.!, one also has to nurture and care for children as they.! The service BetterHelp.com provide and the process of getting started anything right one who cant do right!
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