He was truly upset he had hurt me and worried that this might ruin us. Thats it. Hes the first person Ive truly loved and treated me correctly. Then he said the situation cant be fixed because you are who you are and you cant change a persons personality. Hi Amber We recently just moved across the country together. Also read my article on the 36 Questions. "Once you love someone, unless your respect for them is. Last November I made a huge mistake and cheated on him. Those years , I always tend to choose others then him becos I cant be a step-mom ( I told myself ) and seeing after and another.All fails and i still turn back to him for comfort. Sexting and such is escapism. Its easy to see when people are lying. Im stuck cause Im so in love with this man and I wont our marriage to be fixed. But now he says he feels numb. Somewhere in your life, anger was acceptable. We started dating after she got out of a 3 year relationship in which the guy cheated on her. First of all, you must NOT be desperate. It feels like repentance and remorseful thoughts and actions are not enough. She did not. The fact is that Im really not sure and this attitude doesnt help me make my mind. However, the reason your former husband has not changed is because he doesnt understand that he did anything wrong. The problem is this new life makes me feel anxious and insecure. He used excessive guilt and said he would change. Keep your answers calm and to the point. It actually happened three times, but after the initial make out, the next times it happened I backed away and told him that it was a bad idea. please give me some ideas i am lost dont know what to do thank you again for answer my desperate email good bless you !you are given me hope thanks again. He says he loves more than ever & that I am the most amazing person he knows. She did not call me after giving birth. I love this man really do I know I need to open up more.he needs to be at home with me be sweet my man is really hard on me he gets upset cause I dont talk to him about my goals or plans BUT I dont have any that he doesnt know. She said she was going to give me a chance to which I jumped at thee opportunity. But you do have to understand that since I am crazy busy, if people want to jump in and help each other, then I dont need to always weigh in. Wont he be too secure or bored? Her mom tells me that my wife stills loves me. Everything was good. There are books you can read, too, to help. I would appreciate no negative remarks or opinions. He has already talked to his job about coming home more and he has scheduled an appointment with a therapy counselor. We both messed up but shes the type of girl who knows shes wrong but wont admit it. Loving and hating someone at the same time is not necessarily a contradiction, but it does create profound emotional dissonance. Anyways we had a beautiful baby 2 years ago unplanned he wanted me to move in and I agreed. This article really speaks to me. She just sent me bye, nothing more or less and started ignoring me. You can always email me directly to get details. just talk to him. My Significant Other and I have been in a 3 1/2 year relationship. Meanwhile, yes, you should both get counseling to help this process. He went to drop her off and when he came back he came back to greet me just like he always does and that threw me off. For me saying those few words I am in love with you might have changed everything. We arrived there & during lunch a male friend of hers arrived with his son. Ive constantly prayed for God to free me from that relationship because I knew it wasnt healthy for me & I didnt need to betray my spouse in that manner. You dont actually ask a question. What he feels is happening to him not you. He even said that he thought it might upset me, but figured it wouldnt be so bad. On FB, turned out he had a history of saying hello to a lot of random girls, probably with the intention of hooking up for sex. She has issues but I wouldnt stand for that, she is knowingly hurting you and she needs to work on herself. My problem is, I feel that I gave him an inch and he completely disregarded how I might feel if he went further than her pleasing him. What can I do? He wants me and our children to stay so he can see them daily. Jessica To give us a new start and to find jobs. He came home after our son was born. I described another guy as beautiful and he got jealous and felt betrayed. I lost a lot of weight another guys told me how good I lookedhe never said one word! Give it some time, work on myself, let her work on herself and then try to slowly contact her then? A therapist sees you with more objective eyes than you see yourselves. You could not have said it better. Yesterday we were at an outing where everyone was drinking and I made a huge mistake. So I asked him if he wanted to have a video call with me, he declined. And maybe Dr Deb can reply to this as well. This was entirely my fault. Nelson Mandela It is harder to hate a person after you have prayed for them. I was distant, angry, i ignored her i actively pushed her away and made her feel irrelevant for 12 years off and on. Until The past month, it has been torturous for both of us. At first it felt like a dream until he hurt me once more. She doesnt want to be mad at her parents, or hear the counselor say that they were bad parents. Circumstances made me go back to Russia while she got help for her physcological. I know that will sound just the opposite of what it seems so let me explain: People use sex as a way to AVOID a real relationship. Im so sorry. Dr Deb, Mostly, theyre just for fun and the fun gets old with the same partners so people switch. For me its these small things that warm my heart. I was ready to leave him that night, but I stayed as he quietly told me everything he had been keeping from me. I kept saying I would but I just couldnt it didnt feel right it was like I needed him to prove he loved me and wouldnt leave but at the time I didnt realize that and even if I did I wouldnt be able to tell him that. Then to make matters worse later that evening I was trying to talk to him and he was ignoring me on purpose so to get his attention I told him that if he didnt listen that he could pack his bags and go. How do I know which decision is the one my heart is telling me to go towards, what is the best way to figure out if this relationship is going to be OK? Thats because I want to change his character. He was intimate with this woman who is married with children in my own bed as well as hers. They are only friends nothing more. We started marriage councilling and I began seeing a life coach. See what your insurance will cover in the way of a residential treatment program. his very helpful Anita in London. Things seemed great but I didnt see my husband slowly moving emotionally away from me. I cant blame anyone for this but myself. I have many but none are for any man who has been in my life. Its now august and things arent any better. We live in another country and I recently had to leave to change our visa status. He told me that when we talk I give him anxiety and he wants the divorce asap. Great. I found her on his Skype. You just cant turn that kind of love off. So u gave her money and she left. I stopped all contact with the other man that day. He told me there was no chance with me and even said he never loved and cared. I want to save the relationship. At a point I had suicidal thoughts when I couldnt make him believe that I wasnt with someone else. Hes taking her back? He got to know about that. He recently started to try again but my love is not there. She said yes, shes wri walking down to my house. Ive been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 10 months now but we have some issues. After talking it through a lot, I decided to give it a second go. You've got thoughts of them circling in your mind, 24/7. He actually came!! I checked over mine, marking whos numbers Id called & turned to his; working back from the previous month. I remind him every day of the good things and good will always overpower the bad.. this is the 1 thing I ever done that was bad for him, now thats a whOle other story. She finally came to the conclusion that the money didnt make her happy because she said he was selfish. Take it from someone whos been around over twice as long as you and have been betrayed more than once. I sincerely hope you dont mind I posted a link to TEDH article. I would suggest you have a good look inside yourself and ask yourself what, exactly, you are looking for in this relationship. Not a lot of time seeing each other. But people dont act like that out of the clear blue for no reason. So I thought maybe hes right. Hi Meeka, Why werent you supposed to join him and the girl? She asked who are you with?. He lost all contact with his ex fiance. Any suggestions or ideas or advice is greatly appreciated. Thats what he keeps telling me this time is forto work on ourselves. I stood my ground and wanted to give her final hug but she refused. I truly do not believe they have anything going on, and that my husband is just so hurt and obviously still angry with me, even though he says he has forgiven me. He has been wonderful and pays for everything he showers me with gifts, I see a sincere change in him but I cant drop my guard. I graduated from North Carolina High School ( a public school ) and received my commission, I later joined the United States Army Academy because I could not go afford the University at that time so the US Government took care of my tuition. it wasnt even anyone i was speaking with online, just some random guy. He told me that he cant go through something like that again. I have felt that we live together more as roommates than a loving married couple & even that has come to a close as I have chosen to move into a spare bedroom. He at first hid it for me for month and friends of our all knew about it and no one told me. We talked about and he just wasnt ready, I gave in, I had gotten a divorce from my husband if 13 years. In the end he fell out of love and I dont blame him. I was attracted to him from then on. He will be coming back to Nigeria in November to see his grandma and to see me for the very first time(as we started dating online). 5 Manage conflicts. Hello everyone, helped me out when i thought my life is lost dont know where its going It all started when the father of my two kids left me and sworn never to have anything to do with me and all effort to get him back prove to be abortive and i decided to let things be the way they are cause i felt my life is lost dont know where its going. Its like hes stalling to even try to make progress. I get so frustrated when he cries and says he needs to feel love from me because I understand that he means it, but I kind of feel like well, you had that already and it didnt bloody do you any good. We is currently finishing her masters thesis right now too and says she doesnt have the emotional capacity to focus on too many things at once, that we should focus on our own issues for the time being and try to work together when she is emotional adept to do so. Your spouse will realize that change goes way beyond no longer being ugly with you. He is impatient and rude with me, says hurtful things. Hi Shena My suspicions were confirmed when one of her friends told me they had been sleeping together all along. What is going on?? Being overly negative can sour a relationship with anyone, but is particularly bad for a long-term romantic relationship. But not even giving it a go is just ridiculous! I took a minute to reply, but told him I dont want you to leave. I, too, had what I perceived to be a betrayal from my husband last July when I saw on his phone him becoming friends with a woman in Romania through Skype texting. he tells me Im just being stupid and its just a film but I feel like if ur in a loving relationship there should be no need to feel like you need to look at anyone else sexualy. Just for adding a childhood friend. My husband looked up a moment; didnt meet my eyes & then merely continued to work on the car. Will he ever talk to me again. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. He has never had a steady job, and im lucky if I get a couple hundred bucks off him a month. He also said that he realized late in 2013 that this was a problem but that he didnt know how to tell me. I know we both need time to heal and 8 months might not be enough, but I fear if I leave too much space and dont try hard to get her back she will move on and I will never be with her again. Marriage is not for cheats and liars. I ended up realizing I wasnt just angry, I was fearful. Hi Someone, We also went on vacations with both our families and just in all we were very very close. Then I plan to present her with a promise ring. You can't just go back to life before you knew them. He litterly does nothing. I dont know what to do. madly in love with this girl..i keep drawing pictures He took me at my word and is full of bitterness. He doesnt see a problem with it and says it help the pain and his sleep. I am trying to battle on, but to be honest I am devastated beyond words. Luckily, there are clear similarities and differences between these two types of dynamics. I get irritated by that. But this, i couldnt. Our was not only child but freezing cold weather on Wednesday morning. I know him very well and one of his traits is how possessive he is of me. I owe him that much, I owe him happiness..even if it isnt with me. Researchers in Attachment Theory call this ambivalent or fearful attachment. (And thats no fault of yours.) Before you have complete trust, he will be able to explain why he used to do it and why looking at other women means zero to him now. Is it any way that my husband might have a change of heart and can fall in love with me again.Or are we totally done and hes all in to this co worker lady now. I have been ducking calls from my siblings and friends as they will ask me how I am doing and not good is not what I want to tell them,in case tings do turn around I dont want them looking differently towards my wife if they knew what pain she caused me. As much as I love her, shes making me sick. But I did what I had to do in writing and verbally. The flirting still hurt though, so I complained and he kind of stopped. I want his trust back as well n his love as well . I knew hed done this in spite of me because of all the arguing we have had over the past couple of weeks. Hi I been married 4 years with my husband and we have a daughter. She wont give me a second chance. We broke up about 3 weeks ago. And done much worse. But Im hopeless now, because he was so good and I dont know if Ill be able to get him back. My need of understanding the whys of his emotional affair with our mutual friend threaten to destroy any hope of reconciliation. We still kiss and have sex. You dont need that. They have to feel deep feelings AND compassion for another person. Youre being crazy all Ive done is try to talk to her. As for both of us going, she has to want to go, and she is scared to death of dealing with her parents divorce. I dont know what to make of it. Are your feelings really love or fear of loss? Im at the point where Ive completely decided to leave him alone. Please help me, Give him some space ask him if he is happier around somebody else maybe he has love for his ex that he doesnt have for u but u have to ask to find out you are lucky that u have him around to talk with cuz the man I love doesnt even want to talk he just plain out says leave me alone dont talk to me. Well my guy found out and he felt I didnt trust him and all hell broke lose, I got angry and to him where his mom his ex and he could go. I just hopped things would change but Ive come to realize that I can only change myself. He says I dont act like a girlfriend sometimes and that hurts. What can I do? I love him i would die for him please help me fix my relationship we were supposed to get married September 12, 2017, Me and my girlfriend are together for 2.5 years. That is real intimacy. And am trying to get him to seek help. I deserve so much more than to go down with a sinking ship. HI my comment is really good information but when someone wearing those shoes is really hard to do things the right way because is too much pain and feel desperate to get the person you love back is a lot things you dont know how to deal with this is my storie ,I met this wonderful guy 17 years ago but 4 years ago he desired he want to go back to school we didnt have the money but i support his desition so we move to another state but i was having trouble find it a job so i desired to move back and leave my husband and my youngest daughter together so i was working to jobs to support him for almost 4 years now hes done with school and find a job but has not been paying the much so is hard to survive we 3 together so i still at the same place working 2 jobs trying to support my self and also helping him when i can well now after 4 years been a part he say he doesnt love me anymore and i am devastated because i feel betrayed for the whole situation. Even though we werent back together i still felt as if we were. It wasnt true i was just panicked and blank minded. So for her to be with him is a mixture of him being her first love, and he doesnt insult her like I did, and all they do is have fun. Why not reach out to women that you meet and make new friends? i didnt know what to do because his drinking was out of hand and the kind of trouble he was getting into made me worry about all of us. She wants to see other people for now and hopefully in two years when things settle down and we can both get on our feet we can see where we in life and get back together. Thats part two (how you feel about your partner). Jeremy, I am a wife of a ptsd Iraq veteran myself. Take action instead of ruminating in guilt. You need to find out what it is you are hiding from yourself and then what to do about it. Pray to God that your partner will submit his life to Christ. Hi Robert Its almost as if Good and Bad is unclear in your mind and everything first looked good when it wasnt and now everything looks all bad when it may not be. Also, I applaud you for wanting to give a stable home to his children. There is a referral in place for alcohol dependency counselling, and we will do some relationship counselling also but I guess my question is, is there any point? So we had signed a lease as she we were moving for her work and I was honestly fine with that. I thought she would learn few lesson if I ignore her for some time. I I had an affair with an old friend that lasted about 2 months but I stayed in contact with this person on a friendly basis. I have a bit of a quirky personality where my heart and intentions mean well but sometimes maybe I come off as hard to read. I just want to see that hes ready to do all it takes. It sounds to me like your boyfriend has a fear of intimacy. Im in the same boat as you exactly I dont know what else to do I love him he dont love me we have two kids together he doesnt feel he will ever love me again like he used to have you found anything that helped you if so please let me know!!! You need the support of good friends and family right now and then you need the courage to take the right steps. I want to, and soon! This friend also confessed to him before that she liked him. But nothing more. He then ask me not to contact him anymore . She finished college and at 29 got pregnant with a guy she was dating for a couple months. When it comes up he says he doesnt know if he can forget what happenedthe hurt I caused him. 7. Im starting to get a lot of feelings for him and he told me to get rid of my feelings because he doesnt know what to do since she hurt him. You're too late! I felt like he didnt care when he just didnt know how to react. When I came into town to celebrate my birthday he asked me to be his girlfriend and things took off in the best way from there, at least at first. Just click my name at the top of this article and it takes you to my page on Good Therapy. All she would do was complain, be depressed, and take it out on me. He tried to lie and tell me he didnt want to lay down because of his night terrors yet hes ok with falling asleep on the couch? but the trust is gone in this relationship dr. and the worst part was he got to know from him that we were in touch . Right now, what happened within the last 2 wks was that she said not to call her anymore. Heres the back story: She is 44 and came from a well off family. Hes been having family issues, car issues, and money issues. I am also happy to work with people via Skype. And is it possible for us to fall in love again? Best of luck going forward! I dont want this relationship feeling like this. Thats what she wasnt. Curiosity got the better of me and I went through it (something Id never done before). She needs individual counseling. Some Churches make this mandatory. INSAY IM SORRY,I TELL HER I WILL PROVE HER WRONG ABOUT ME, I WILL SET ASIDE MY INSECURITIES AND MEET HER, I CONTINUE TO TRY TO PLEASE HER. He likes to feel needed but I can feel his distance at times and I know that I hurt him but he hurt me too in several ways and I have owned it. but he kept doing things that broke my heart. He needs help. I know one thing for sure love never fails. He is so beautiful and clever and educated. We moved out a year after being married and finally had our own place. I love this woman with my soul and I am broken up about her. However, I thought I should take a break from her in December 2013. I had completely cut him off to intimacy because it did not seem fair to me to allow him that side of me and we werent even together. He is calm, he usually gets angry when I confront him with things like this, he tells me you didnt do anything to deserve this, Im done I wont do it again. The only way they can connect is through the body because the emotions have been cut off (and the mind, too). But a genuine person has a look in their eyes that cant be faked, and a voice thats full of love. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below. Any suggestions? After i realized what ive done i closed my fb profile and told her what i had done, she was furious with me. Love and hate are important human affects that are of long-standing interest in psychology. Am I wrong to be upset about this? He will NEVER get past his drinking if he doesnt 100% come to love himself in spite of his past demons. Hi Mark This actually came up the other day and he said we are talking, weve seen each other, the kids have seen each other, we hug and kiss etcso in his mind we are already making baby steps. We have taken some counseling and have tried everything. You become willing to be vulnerable and open more and more. One day during the 3 weeks that I was away, we got into a really heated argument over the fact that he didnt understand my mission of traveling alone. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years and purchased a house together about six months ago. And I told her that. I was feeling like she was hiding behind them and her phone to keep away from me. Not a hastily written note of love on a paper napkin. So I know shes laughing at me like yea trick I got your husband,he chose me and dumped you. The general reaction of abusive people is that this is all they know and think its normal. To get him to even realize that there are things he should want to work on is to hold out the carrot of happiness. I always believe in the carrot over the stick. Nothing! From his point of view I betrayed him and from my point of view he betrayed me and the children. Im so lost. Its because we were all blessed with great imaginations. I get so irritated myself that she wont tell me why she is irritated that I just keep asking get until she screams at me to leave her alone. We even went to breakfast together when the kids (mine and hismy daughter is in college) were in town. My partner is my stone. Hi Kim And in retrospect, I am not convinced those feelings of hatred were actually for him. If thats the case then why does he bring up the old things that I have done to make our relationship bad. I wouldnt stand for that, she is 44 and came from a well off family that! I deserve so much more than once then why does he bring the. 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